Tale of Two Hearts

Ken

2009-09-19T09:49:00.002+08:00

"I'm miserable."

"You always have been miserable. What's the difference now?"

"Nothing. I just thought of telling you that to satisfy your sleepless conscious which tells you I may not be miserable. Of course there's a difference. Everything is different."

"Just because you want to be miserable in the form that things never change doesn't mean that things will not change. You can be miserable then and you are miserable now, but the fact is things will always change, people change, life changes."

"Really, then explain the damn pain I'm feeling now! You people always think I was miserable, I looked miserable, I dressed miserable, I needed misery. You're wrong! Sometimes in life there's more to being happy, it's being content. Content with who you are, content with things as the way they are and content with everything around you. Change is never for the better yet people change. Why? Because they are not content, they're not even close. Misery is just an excuse to hide the fact that people can never be content with their own lives."

"People change because they are miserable and, or content. That doesn't change anything."

"Yet it changes everything. See the irony?"

"So what are you telling me now? You're miserable because you're not content, or you're miserable because the person you love can never be content?"

"Oh, don't go there. This has nothing to do with love."

"Really? Then why are you telling me all this?"

"Because...I'm content, but I'm miserable. You do the math."

"If...If you think that you're miserable and she is not, then I guess...it changes everything."

"Exactly."

"People rely on other people. They need other people. I guess when you're content you've basically have nothing else to live for...except for the people you're content with and not yourself. Wow, I've never looked at it that way before."

"Life sucks, huh?"

"Yeah...Oh my God, have you been feeling this way all the time?"

"Misery is just another word of saying 'I'm not happy', what people don't see is that it also says 'I am content'. That's the beauty of it."

"So what're you going to do about it?"

"I'm the anchor that's pulling the ship down, I always have been. Everything else makes her happy, I make her happy too."

"But you're not content with happy."

"Everyone else doesn't upset her, I make her sad. Do you know what an ideal life is?"

"Having a beautiful wife, great kids, a satisfying job, and a normal life?"

"You idiot. It's having the person you want the most, and just forgetting about everything else. Society is screwed up. Everyone else is screwed up. An ideal life is when you put aside everything else and just...live with the one you love."

"Not everyone can get that you know. You're miserable...Wait a minute, you're not even content. You want that, meaning you're not content with what you have right now."

"You're missing my point! I'm in pain! You think I'm not content because I want something more! The fact is I already have that. The only part that is incomplete is the..."

"Other half..."

"Go home. Go back to your wife, get some rest and I'll see you tomorrow."

"So what are you going to do?"

"Change. Misery needs company. Maybe it's time to let go."

Ken

2009-08-07T17:19:00.002+08:00

I feel like I'm dying. I don't know what I want, what I'm searching for, what is this, what everything means.

Options are not really options, there is no solution.

Maybe I don't make the right choices, maybe I don't take on the right paths, maybe I don't make the best of decisions.

I strive for perfection, every little bit of it. I imagine it, I picture it, I want it, but perfection itself may be imperfect. I might not know, maybe that is not what I want. Maybe this is not what I want.

I can't come to my senses to accept the fact that I love hiding things that perceive my pursuit of perfection. I feel like a hypocrite, I hate myself.

We all want to be happy, but we never are. People are easily satisfied, and easily content, but never happy. What is happy?

We make sacrifices, some weighing more than others, some less. But really, are they all worth it? How do you deem one as a worthy sacrifice to be made? Is it because they will love you more? Is it because they will cherish you more? Is it because they will look at you differently?

I rationalize the world too much, which is why I can never be like a normal and ordinary human being. I believe I know the world at heart, and that I can judge people based on first impressions solely. Am I right? I don't know, but I know I am not wrong either.

Rationalization makes me believe that there is a better world out there, not like now. Where better people live in, where two people meet and fall in love, where they live and eclipse the rest of humanity, where there is a feeling that speaks for itself, where intricacy is on the other side of the wall, where love is not bounded by the obligations that we do everyday as human beings, where love can be just love between these two people, nothing more, nothing less.

I like the saying "You need two to tango". Because that really says it all doesn't it?

Ken

2008-08-21T00:50:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I think I'm in over my head in everything I do. Life has never been a kind teacher to me, but yeah, it has been a good one. Nurturing me to be the person that I am today, and realizing things that the ordinary person might not see with their eyes wide open.

I believe I have a much more intricate, but unique mindset as compared to everyone else around me. I think I have that perspective that makes everything the difference in life. It is not obtained as per birth, but only learnt through life-changing experiences.

A lot of people may not realize the things I already have, but yeah, I guess that's life. No flower is ever the same, some bloom faster than the others, and some slower. I dare say I'm a quick bloomer, coz' I have embraced life, and much more.

People need to realize things and see things from a perspective where they'll ultimately put themselves at, at the end of the day. I guess not everyone is like me, and I am not like everyone else. I am different. I am me. I believe life is about the important people that plays a role in my life. The others, I don't think I could be bothered.

I think I'm a little selfish and absurd into thinking that way, but trust me, at the end of the day when you look back at everything, you'll realize that you've wasted much more of your time spent on pleasing and entertaining people you didn't have to, than live life and make that someone important in your life happy.

Yeah, I speak as though I'm 70. But hey, call me an imbecile and I'll call you the devil.

I guess I only try to make the people I care about happy, and I don't think that has ever put me on the wrong foot even once. Sometimes all it takes is perfecting the simplicities of life, the simplicities of everything, every second, every moment in what you do or who are you directing it to; to make that one person flash a smile across his/her face. And sometimes, that makes all the difference in life.

It's getting late, I need rest. Nights people, if there's anyone reading that is. Oh well, every second, every moment, every little thing, is different from the other. A difference in each of it, makes a difference in the next, and the difference in the next, would take its place in altering your entire life and the people you care about. One moment, is all it takes to make or break something, to flood thoughts into one's head, to instill happiness or sadness into someone; uggh, you get the picture. Toodles.

Ken

2008-08-17T19:20:00.003+08:00

The girlfriend has been a pig today. Some what of 14 hours of sleep, then again, it's much needed sleep on her part, considering that she doesn't sleep much during college days. Today has been rather wasted, as usual. Woke up, got myself a hair-cut (it's so short!), watched Failure to Launch on DVD and here I am now, stoning. Sniffles.

The girlfriend is having her "therapy" session in which she'll end up with dark circles all over her body, but no matter, I still love her just as much. <3

I think I smell pretty bad, considering I haven't showered since morning, but yeah, I'm too lazy to even get a shower sometimes. Oh well, I guess I should head to the bathroom sooner rather than later. But knowing me, the latter would always be chosen.

Tomorrow is the 18th, meaning four would be a lucky number in my book. High School Musical on Ice as well with the girlfriend tomorrow. Baby, bring Skittles! Twinkles is so emo-ing. Haha.

I should really get a shower now. I stink. Pfft. Byes.

Ken

2008-08-06T22:47:00.002+08:00

I think I've got personality disorder sometimes. Hmm, oh well. I guess I am a person that lives by myself most of the time. When I'm sad, I'm not afraid to hide it. I may be sad over one thing, but I won't put a mask and live on and talk to other people as if I'm not. Neither do I do so when I'm happy, I mean if I'm happy and there isn't anything that upsets me, why should I bother making myself worried about things or people that don't play a huge role in my life. Yeah, I may be concerned, and may be a little sympathetic, but that doesn't mean I'll have to live how that person lives.

So don't judge me for who I am. Judge me for what I am not.

Ken

2008-05-22T22:48:00.004+08:00

I've finally got the storyline, and I must say it is much better than the others that I have come up with in the past.

Hopefully my writing wouldn't be too shabby and rusty. Oh well, we'll see. =D

Ken

2008-04-16T22:08:00.003+08:00

Alanis Morissette's song 'Ironic' is very, well ironic. Hehe.

Some quotes :

"An old man turned 98, he won the lottery, and died the next day".

"It's like rain on your wedding day, it's a free ride when you've already paid, it's the good advice that you just didn't take".

"Traffic jam when you're already late, a no smoking sign on your cigarette break".

"It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife, it's like meeting the man of your dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife".

"Isn't it ironic, don't you think?"

Ken

2008-04-16T22:02:00.003+08:00

Was reading blogs when I came across this, and I found it oh so true :

"No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance.

No one stays in love by chance, it is by work.

No one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice".

Drops of Jupiter

2007-11-12T22:40:00.001+08:00

As I lie here right next to you, I try to adhere myself towards the person that I long for despite the surreptitious and abrupt movements when you breathe. I here it in me, I hear it in you, my heart beats robustly but I feel feeble at the same time. I cannot contemplate this feeling any longer, for you have taken my breath away.

It's funny how therapeutic this seems when I lay my head on your chest, hearing the pounding beats of your heart, it just makes me feel nonchalant. But when you start to stroke my hair gingerly, then you put on that smile that seems oh so familiar, I cannot help myself to give in to that impetuous glance of your amiable eyes.

The world around us seemed apathetic, but I guess that's how it has always been when we would just stare at each other under the gloomy night sky next to the hillside and appease ourselves with simple smiles of captivated feelings. It would then seem funny as I look back to see how indolent we were towards the obscure world around us back then. But now, all there's left is a memory which now seems all so erroneous and deceitful.

However, the concealed part of my soul, the exhilarated part of my heart, the captivated part of my mind, just wants every night to be exactly the way those nights were. I still could not forget how imperative your presence was when you set foot onto my heart, how your eminent and profound actions transfixed themselves into my soul. You have become a part of me, and thou has brought me to celestial feats.

Despite the fact that you had to leave, you have left me in a rather startled state where I cannot comprehend on why must you go away. The zest that I long for, the desire of relishing myself back into your arms seems all but an absurd desire that would never be fulfilled. The fundamentals of holding this feeling inside of me had just been imprudently destroyed and thus, I have nothing left other than the memory of what could have been...

Love.

Drops of Jupiter

2007-11-08T23:26:00.000+08:00

3 days to go till I would most definitely panic. Pfft. I need professional guidance and advice, seriously.

Darling, I miss you. <3

Okays, I must not slack anymore. Tomorrow, I'm a changed person. Pfft. Or so I think I would be. =/

==================================

Drops of Jupiter

2007-10-28T23:23:00.000+08:00

5 things I would like my girlfriend to do for me :

1. Stop biting/chewing/eating ice ( Baybe, seriously, it's not good )
2. Watch me play futsal/football one day so that she would realize it's not dangerous !
3. Stone with me till the rest of eternity
4. Spend the night watching movies till dawn where we'd cuddle and eventually sleep at the same time (again)
5. ( I'll leave this blank...for now. Coz' 4 just seems like a bad number, no? )

==================================

Drops of Jupiter

2007-10-25T10:53:00.000+08:00

I skipped school today, don't know when I'll ever go back.

Even so, I slept at 4am, woke up at 7am. And then slept till now.

Gawd, life couldn't be any more fucked up, oh wait, it could.

The people haven't started to contact me yet. Pfft.

Someone please save me. Ugghh.

==================================

Drops of Jupiter

2007-10-24T20:54:00.000+08:00

Jiwangz.

Actually it means romantic, but wth la. I'll treat it as emo, since it's what most people have come to know about the term I guess.

Hmm, what are friends for?

They hurt you, they mess up your life, they screw up your relationships, they don't back you up, they never consolidate you, they never comfort you, they never help you, they never pick you up when you're down, and God damn hell they don't even friggin care about your life.

Pfft, some friends I've got.

Maybe it doesn't imply to you, but that's how obscure the people in my petty little life are.

And when I mean EVERYONE, I really mean EVERYONE.

Yes, take note. E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E.

Pfft. No wonder I don't have best friends.

What actually are best friends?

People who come close to you just to fuck up your life even more?

Never would I believe anything like that anymore. Life is too stupid to begin with.

Bitches, assholes, bastards, assenines, hypocrites. Fuuh, how complete my life wouldn't my life be without them?

My sheer existence doesn't bring any difference to the people that I know, why bother about those that I don't know.

The surreptitious presence and the silent and nimble movement of my shadows are never noticed, bet they never will be.

Tsk tsk, what can I believe in now?

"Friends". Yeah rite.

I'd die faster relying on them.

Pfft, that's how apathetic life has been for the past 17years.

Ugghh, I'm utterly disappointed and it's utmost saddening to just look at myself in the mirror.

I think I deserve more than this fucked up shit right now.

I'm a changed person, undoubtedly.

But I've changed for you have changed me. Pfft.

I'm like a mere puppet at your disposal all this while, nothing more, and nothing less, or at least I think nothing less.

Is it so fun to be doing this to me? Gawd, I hope you enjoyed every second of it, coz I'm gone now. Yes, G-O-N-E.

Pfft, fucked up life.

==================================

Drops of Jupiter

2007-10-24T19:25:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, the best way to know something is to not know it at all.

Pfft, I've been thinking too much again.

Wonder what's on people's mind sometimes. When you're committed to something, you try your best into making sure that it works out fine.

If so, why do people tend to neglect that part of the commitment?

Sighs, if I'm so happy, why do I feel some part of sadness somewhere?

Pfft, yet again, I'm thinking too much...

Or am I not?

==================================

Drops of Jupiter

2007-10-15T01:53:00.000+08:00

Alrites, as mentioned in the previous post, 40 Kinds of Sadness is over.

So I present to you...

Jeng jeng jeng jeng.

Drops of Jupiter.

Inspired of course by Train's song. >=D

Will be officially posting soon.

Toodles. <3

==================================

40 Kinds of Sadness

2007-10-14T23:30:00.003+08:00

It's time to change.

Yes, yes.

40 Kinds of Sadness is long gone.

Shall start a new chapter to this.

Coming soon.

Stay tuned. =)

==================================

40 Kinds of Sadness

2007-10-10T21:59:00.000+08:00

I'm wondering as I sit here in my cold apathetic corner, to why am I such a lifeless pathetic person?

Hmm, I wonder, is it me or just the people that I socialize with?

Sighs. Whatever la.

It seems that all the girls I know is either older than me, paired up with someone else, only treats me as a good friend, or they're family related.

They're never close enough it seems. Maybe it's me? =/

Well, I don't know.

Or maybe it's because I had spent too much time with baybe previously that now everyone I know seems to be further apart from me. I really don't know.

Hmm, a rather lonely night this is, pretty much indifferent to any other night when I need someone. Turns out everytime this happens, nobody's there.

I used to have baybe by my side, but she's gone now and that chapter of my life is over.

My phone beeped and rang, but it wasn't anyone who wanted to talk to me bout' my stuff.

I'm down with a fever now by the way. And trust me, it sucks.

Why oh why must things be this way?

When will I ever find someone who will want to share my life with me as I would for her?

Hmm, friends. What total bullshit is that.

I can't believe that I've been mixing around with people that I know have lied and deceived me. I'm just so stupid.

I'm such an absurd fool. A pathetic one too.

Gals. How they make and break your heart. Tsk tsk.

Either too far from me, or too close but yet so far, or just plain never wanting to be with me. Sighs. Someone please answer me and put me out of my misery.

Screw my life of obscurity. Wtf is wrong with me.

Feeling rather dizzy and sick. >=(

Why can't there be a girl sensible enough to understand that I wanna be with her?

Why can't there be a girl who understands that I just wanna spend time with her, and her alone?

Why can't there be a girl who would be faithful to the person she truly enjoys being with?

Why can't there be a girl who would understand that I just wanna hold her hand, hug her and tell her that I love you?

Sighs. Of all the things to post a month before SPM. Jiwangz.

Fuck my life.

==================================

40 Kinds of Sadness

2007-10-09T20:56:00.000+08:00

What is love?

Is love really that special?

Or is it the person that you love that makes it special?

Or maybe it's how you spend time with that person that makes it special?

How is love special?

In need of some answers, sighs.

I feel rather depressed on moody right now, a lil' down and sad, but whatever.

Boyfriend for sale~!

Going once, twice, SOLD to the girl in the green dress with the signboard which says " I love Neonie~!".

Wtf is wrong with me.

==================================

40 Kinds of Sadness

2007-10-08T20:40:00.000+08:00

The 10 things a girlfriend did to me :

1 <3 I stopped eating ice from drinks. She claimed it was unhealthy as we were at mamak stalls often and she said that the ice were made of unknown water.

2 <3 The way I sms or IM is sorta weird-ish. There's always those "...." after every word.

3 <3 I came to appreciate more sentimental and lovey dovey songs.

4 <3 I picked up memorizing people's numbers on my phonebook.

5 <3 I organized my MSN contacts into groups.

6 <3 I started craving for ice-cream even more, especially chocolate ice-creams from Haagen Daaz.

7 <3 I picked up poetry. Refer to my other bloggie for more info bout' my poems.

8 <3 I use her name in almost every essay I write, wtf.

9 <3 I became a much wiser, self-motivated person when she's around. Coz coz she's my study buddy and my tutor at the same time. Hehe.

10 <3 Lastly, I'm single at the moment. What an impact that has made to me. Hoho. Kidding, lastly... I now like to hang out late at night and go for outings.

Thanks baybe, for what you have done to me for these 3years.

I missed out on a lot of the details I know, but I'll make up for it in some other post, aye?

Toodles. <3

==================================

40 Kinds of Sadness

2007-10-07T22:36:00.001+08:00

What happens when you mix Unicorn with Neonie?

Don't know?

Well, you get Unicorn Neonie. Haha. <3

>=D

==================================

40 Kinds of Sadness

2007-10-02T21:56:00.000+08:00

Top 5 things on my birthday wishlist this year :

1. You, but it's like totally out of the equation
2. A best friend who won't judge me for what I say and will be there whenever I need him/her
3. To be able to post all my poems without plagiarism
4. 10A's for SPM, yeah right
5. To be able to strum a couple of songs with me guitar

Even if one of those comes true I would be more than happy, sighs.

Now for the top 5 things I don't want to happen before I started the year :

1. ~~Losing you~~
2. ~~Meeting more bitches, bastards and being backstabbed~~
3. ~~Stone and not study at all~~
4. ~~Be lost in a love dilemma~~
5. Fail any of my subjects

Well, 4 out of 5 pretty much sums up the whole year.

And yeah, truth be told, I almost failed my Add Maths, just 2 marks above the passing grade. Hohoho. >=D

What a distorted year, full of crap and idiocy. Oh well, hoping for a better tomorrow which doesn't seem to come. Toodles.

==================================

40 Kinds of Sadness

2007-10-02T15:07:00.000+08:00

This will be like what, the first time in 3 years that I'm gonna celebrate my birthday without you.

Gosh, what an unpleasant and weird situation this is.

Wish you were still here. Sighs, if only...

==================================

40 Kinds of Sadness

2007-09-25T21:12:00.000+08:00

Okay, I supposed to be on hiatus, but heys.

Just wanna wish everyone Happy Mooncake Festival !

>=D

Enjoy the night, and yeah, candles are just such an amiable view to behold.

Toodles.

==================================

40 Kinds of Sadness

2007-09-24T21:08:00.000+08:00

* Neonie's on hiatus at the moment, indefinite hiatus timing by the way *

Thanks for reading if you had, but whatever. Toodles. =)

==================================

40 Kinds of Sadness

2007-09-23T22:28:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I get myself into such a dilemma.

Apart of me wants the person I write about in my bloggies to know that it's them I'm talking about, but there's this other part of me which doesn't want them to know that I'm talking about them.

Sighs, the things I put myself through.

Sometimes I wish people are more attentive and less apathetic in my life.

But hey, I can't ask for much more than what I have now, oh wait, I think I can.

Why? Coz' I've got nothing.

Hmm, the day you stepped out of my life changed everything that's happened.

Everything for the past 3 and a half years.

The times we used to cherish and share.

The times we spent together, just you and me.

Those are the times I would never forget.

For when there's that extra person, it just distorts everything.

Like how the stars and the moon shine brightly at night, imagine suddenly from nowhere the sun comes out.

Distorting isn't it?

Sighs, if only girls were more serious in relationships and much more attentive to whom they care for the most.

The only girl I've seen done that whom I know is you, baybe.

Coz' you never let anyone step in between us.

You know how I feel knowing your amiable presence attracts many people, but you always assure me with the times we spent alone together.

Be it yc-ing, strolling in the park, watching movies, cuddling each other, holding hands while shopping, having dinners or even just resting your head on my shoulders.

Those are what made me sure that your feelings towards what we had was rather special, coz' you were the only one who will sacrifice just about anything to be there when I needed you most.

And that was what made me whole.

For I knew, that no matter what, I'm special to you, I'm different from the other people, I meant something significant to you, and most of all, I knew that you loved me that much compared to the other people around you.

You knew how to allocate your time for me, be it sacrificing time with your friends, coz' you knew that I'm quite a needy person whom would love spending time with the person whom I truly care for.

That's why I never have doubted you, baybe.

Coz' you always tell me what's going on, where were you goin and who you would be goin with.

Especially you know my heart easily tends to get that little bit of jealousy, and that's when you made me feel special again. You always have, and I can say that now, it is my loss for not having you around anymore.

Coz' no other person (girls in particular) in my life, knows how to care for their loved ones the way it should be.

What's having a boyfriend when all you do is talk to him and go out with other guys?

What's having a girlfriend when you're only interested in showing off on how pretty she is?

What's having a boyfriend when you can communicate well with him but you treat everyone else the same way?

What's having a girlfriend when you know that you don't truly have feelings for her?

What's having a boyfriend when you treat every other guy in your life with the same amount of care, attention and affection? Doesn't he mean something special to you?

What's having a girlfriend when you know you still will flirt with other girls?

What's having a boyfriend/girlfriend when you keep so many other friends close to you? Do you think you can find an adequate amount of time to be there for him/her?

These are questions I ask, why?

Coz' it's what's happening right now, in front of my face.

I really want to know the answers.

Coz' I don't know what the people in my life think.

Geez, wish baybe was back here. Then I wouldn't have to cope with this shit everyday and I could tell myself how lucky I am to have found arguably the best girlfriend one could ever find.

==================================

40 Kinds of Sadness

2007-09-23T12:20:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder, whether is it a necessity to love someone and to be loved.

Whether sometimes is it a must, and the vitality of longing somewhere.

Countless times I feel that I long to be loved, even despite the fact that baybe was here for the past couple of years.

Maybe I was too pampered, or I took her presence for granted.

Coz' now I wonder, how true is all this when the things you do doesn't justify anything that you say. I just couldn't come to comprehend what is going on at times.

I wonder, am I in a dream? Am I facing this reality like an absurd, ignorant vagabond?

There's no point in me saying anything now, coz' whatever it is, it isn't how it used to be.

I wonder if this is going anywhere, or we're stuck at where we started, or I wonder, did we even take a step outside of these 4 walls or not.

I hate wondering and pondering upon things, for they never lead me anywhere and tend to bring me astray.

But sometimes I just can't help myself when you do these kind of things.

It really makes me wonder, what kind of person are you?

If everything and everyone means that much to you, then what am I to you? Probably just another puppet on your wall, I wonder? Hmm.

Coz' I can never see what is going on, for you never talk to me about these things.

And even if you do, it always ends up hurting me that little more than it did the last time.

And so I wonder, how much more of this I can take.

Seriously, what or who am I to you?

I wonder, if things will change. I wonder, if maybe one day someone might actually love me as the likeliness of baybe for the past 3years. I wonder, if you would ever know how I feel when this happens one too many times.

In truthful fact, I wonder if you even read this. But I don't bother.

I just don't understand some people's actions, they can be hurtful, distorting, and even unbelievable at times.

Well, it's not easy to understand people. You may think you've known that person for your whole life, but they'll never tend to surprise you with actions you never thought could even suffice in their minds.

Those actions that hurt you so much, that you would even question their sincerity behind all those years of everything.

I wonder, how do people live these kinda lives?

I really admire them, for they can put on several masks when dealing with several people.

It's just so amazing what they can do and how they can lie to you straight in your face and come back and tell you that what he said was true.

Tsk tsk, I've been hurt uncountable times by people whom I think I could place my trust on, guess I was wrong.

But now I know that, those people are ones I cannot trust, and despite the fact of what they did to me, I still wonder am I a fool to still talk with them everyday of my life?

Despite that, I shall be the one who gives in, be the modest one and definitely not stir up any sort of unwanted attention.

For despite what all of you had done to me, I had never uttered a word to the people who eventually are gonna end up like me after they know you people long enough.

Why? Because I'm not that sadistic of a person, I don't go around screwing up people's lives and relationships like what you people did to me.

Although after what you did to me is uncomprehendable by most standards, but I feel that there's a time where you would change, all of you.

And although after what you people did to me, other people who don't know the truth behind all this come and tell me what great human beings you people are and sometimes even take pity on you all when you all put on your masks to draw attention to people.

Hypocrites, I wonder, how long can you people live this way?

Is there no feeling of guilt on what you people do everyday?

Or maybe the satisfaction of getting things done your way just defeats all other feelings within you?

I seriously wonder.

Sighs, one moment when I see you people, you're all smiling and laughing. The next when I'm talking to someone else, they tell me that you people are extremely depressed and sad.

It makes me sick to look at you people and how you infect their lives with hypocricy.

I just can't believe that you people would even resort to something this low to get someone to like you, or to get attention, or just for the sake of wanting other people to be close to you.

It's just sickening.

I wonder, do I really deserve all this kinda crap?

I wonder, why do I still associate with these bastards and bitches whom I see every single day of my friggin' life?

I wonder, will one day anyone ever know the truth behind those masks, or will I just be the only one?

But even if I am, I will never speak of it, for the more that I do, the deeper these wounds are gonna get, for there's too much hypocricy goin' around.

I wonder, how do you do things like you do now and tell someone else that you're feeling otherwise?

Baybe,

I wonder, will I ever get to see you again?

I wonder, will anyone love me like the way you did?

Sighs, I wonder, do I even deserve to be loved at all?

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40 Kinds of Sadness

2007-09-22T15:13:00.000+08:00

This marks the 9th post for the 9th month of the year.

However, be it a special post, it is a saddening one though, just like all the other posts in this bloggie.

Hmm, I lost something valuable, not in it's measures of pricing.

But valuable to me in some other way, sentimentally mind you.

Couldn't imagine it being lost as I kept it so close to me all the time.

How close? It's strapped to my phone damn it.

And to thought that one day it would go missing just makes me wonder what a fool I would be. Guess that's what happened now. Sighs.

How could I have been so careless?
How could I be so unattentive?

Sighs, guess it's my fault that the teddy's gone.

Oh gosh, wish I could just rewind everything and keep it in my pocket.

>=(

I'm awfully pissed right now, rather sad too.
Sighs, of all things to go missing, why does it have to be that?

Arrrggghhh, I need help !

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40 Kinds of Sadness

2007-09-20T22:32:00.000+08:00

Yet another day goes by.

I've done nothin'. Well, almost nothing.

I've just realized that I'm quite a lucky person myself. Helped my friend play Blackjack at school and he's won over 700bucks.

Yes, no mistake. 700 bucks, and mostly thanks to my hands. =D

Well, I've been blasted by my mum on my current phone bill. RM 179.91.

Gosh, don't even know what I'm doing with my phone.

Over a thousand sms-es a month. @_@

Hmm, I've got exams in 2weeks. Yet again, I'm not prepared.

Oh well, whatever. Not like I'm gonna be so paranoid bout' it.

Aites, guess that's all for today. Back to my messaging. Nitez.

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40 Kinds of Sadness

2007-09-19T21:59:00.000+08:00

Somehow I'm addicted to Linkin Park's Bleed It Out. @_@

Weird, but never mind.

Hmmm, things seems rather stoned now. I just feel lazy to do anything and I'm procrastinating practically everything.

Do I need a change?

Maybe, SPM's another 50days or so.

Should I be worried?

Well, I doubt I should. I mean everyone should just chill and take it easy rather than get stressed out about it. =)

6A's 2B's 1C' and 1E' ain't too bad for trials if you look at it from my perspective.

I mean I didn't touch a book at all, as in seriously.

Hmm, still again, Add Maths proves to be sucky. Gosh.

What must I do now?

Hmmm, think I'll just stone it out till the end of the year.

Oh gosh baybe, I miss you during times like these. =/

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40 Kinds of Sadness

2007-09-14T19:09:00.000+08:00

Now I really feel 40 kinds of sadness. T_T

Hmmm, you know what sucks?

Being dragged into something by someone until it reaches a point where you thought you can trust that person just that little bit more to be adequate to sustain something and then realize that person just left you there stranded like an imbecile.

Yeah, that's how I feel now.

I knew it was coming, but why was I so stupid to just continue?

Even if it wasn't coming now, it will eventually happen for I could tell your feelings were always feeble and you are easily moved by people.

I can't blame you for that, and sometimes it makes me wonder whether it's just me.

But for some whatsoever reason, I could never come to a decision on it.

Sighs, words are hurtful.

Not what people say, but it's what they don't say is what hurts you.

You can tell someone you love that person, but do you truly and dearly mean it?

You can tell someone you would spend the rest of eternity with that person, but do you really mean it?

I don't know what to believe in now.

I guess I can't trust your words no more. It's saddening to you, but it's even more saddening for me.

To place that amount of trust in you, and to thought that you had a robust feeling towards what we had, guess I was just wrong.

I can never understand flower-hearted people.

I mean how can you love someone one day and love another the next?

If that is how you people define love, then please, get to know life a hell lot more.

Coz' coz' you just don't feel anything when you get yourself into these predicaments.

Neither do you people care for what the other party is thinking.

Which in turn leads to this, if you don't even care what's on the other person's mind, how the heck can you say you love that person?

Is love all about money, cars, attention, popularity and show-offs?

Oh please, get a life. This really pisses me off just seeing people who don't care for each other being together just of the thought that having a girlfriend or a boyfriend is cool.

I'd rather be single than to be stuck up with some bitch who would be bitching about having a boyfriend. I mean hello, would you like get the hell out of here?

Sighs, I'm lost with my post now.

Whatever la, not like you would care also.

Hmmm, wonder if anyone actually reads but never mind.

I'm just blogging to clear my mind so whatever la.

Let's quote something to end the post.

" When you tell me that you love me, but those are just words, you can tell me you don't need me, and I know that hurts... "

Be happy wherever you are, and in whatever you do, you deserve so much better.

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40 Kinds of Sadness

2007-09-13T21:08:00.000+08:00

Sighs, could you make it more obvious?

The extra late replies but very short message lengths?

I can now be sure that it isn't me, and that what I assume is true.

Yet again, I'm left here all alone.

No, I'm not asking for sympathy, so don't give me any.

What a screwed up life.

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40 Kinds of Sadness

2007-09-13T20:06:00.000+08:00

What a screwed up day. Sighs, had a torn blister on my leg and knowing that my Biology only scored 9/60 is rather upsetting.

But hey, there are some brighter days ahead I'm sure, so why bother anyway.

Hmm, I can feel that we're not as close as how we used to be these past few days.
Somehow, I can tell, but then, I ain't sure of it.

The considered late replies for me, and the very lack of attention you seek from me and the messages that you sent to me earlier, made it clear that I'm not the only one, am I not?

Well, it doesn't matter, coz' it is not in my reach to stop you from feeling this way.

I never seem to get things right whenever I want to, but I always tend to overdo things whenever the time isn't right.

Sometimes I wonder, what kind of friends do I have.

They seldom wish me on my birthday for starters.
They never wish me luck during my exams (although I have alloy, but don't have to be like that la), whereas I have to be the one sms-ing like 20+ people at a time and some don't even reply, but I still don't get bothered by it.
They seldom ask about how I'm doing and what do I do in my life.
They have never asked about my feelings.
They have never spared time for me (or yet I think that way).

Hmm, maybe it's me just being this way. Or is it?

I hope it's just me, for I wouldn't want to know if it isn't.

Anyhow, I feel something's wrong now. I'm sure you feel that way too.

But then, I hope we'll get to know soon what is it.

Maybe you already do, for you have even asked me what I feared you would say. Tsk tsk, I shouldn't be thinking too much.

But I just can't help to know that despite this, you have come to turn your back and walk away.

Funny how that sounds, coz' I'm sorta like feeling that song from Westlife and Mariah Carey, "Against All Odds".

Arrghh, whatever la. It's not like I can do anything too, and I hate to force people to like me.

Guess that's all for today.

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40 Kinds of Sadness

2007-09-12T18:56:00.000+08:00

Hmm, I don't know why.

I feel like cuddling someone. As gay as that may sound, definitely someone whom I love very much.

Sighs, too bad the only person I cuddled left for London. Tsk tsk.

Now all I have is my 2 cat soft toys to cuddle.
Yeah yeah, call me whatever you want, but they're cute okay. Lalala...

Anyways, I'm eating chocolates again. Hehe, though I'm having a sore throat. @_@

Omg !

I miss my cuddle moments !

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40 Kinds of Sadness

2007-09-12T11:06:00.000+08:00

The day that you stepped out of my life, is the day I would never forget.

The day that you made me feel vulnerable, the day that you made me feel weak, the day that you made me feel lonely again.

I couldn't imagine a world without you, for I would have given you the world and so much more, but unfortunately, the feebleness of things caused this special feeling we had for each other to be casted away to the forbidden lands of the forsaken ruins.

The then feelings we had for each other somehow surreptitiously took its toll on us and eventually gave way to other people to affect our lives.

Although I must say it's not easy to have let you go after the 3years of selfless attention and care that you have shown and given to me. But I guess the thought of just not being with you for all of eternity just etches in my mind and now I just have to live with the past put behind me.

I would have never even thought that we would be apart after a year of what seems to be a real roller coaster ride of emotions. And without you telling me that you too had that same feeling, I guess we would have never gotten to where we were 5 months ago.

I missed the times we shared, the times we had together.

For you have never left my side no matter what. You were always there, prepared to catch me when I fall, hold me close when I'm slipping away, and keep me warm from the cold cold world out there.

You never left me unattended everytime we go out, and you never left my side even though I never really knew anything or everything about what was going on when we went out.

The snuggles and cuddles and pecks on the cheeks we seem to lay on each other when we said goodbye or just when the time seems right makes everything seem so worthwhile.

I guess it's never going to be the same without you.

But for my sake, and yours, I hope we'll be much happier than what we were in this last 3 years, although I couldn't argue that these 3 years has been the best of my life, undoubtedly.

==================================

40 Kinds of Sadness

2007-09-11T21:44:00.000+08:00

Okay, I'm opening up a new blog.

It has certain purposes okay, but no chatbox for this one, sadly.

But never mind, I don't really think a blog should be built around a chatbox, instead it should be built around what the author has to say about his/her life.

And for that reason, I'm making this second blog, entitled " 40 Kinds of Sadness ".

Was browsing through my songs list and it was the only one which really caught my eye among the other 437 songs.

Guess it brings a rather significant meaning to the blog too.

Till my first official post, nights people. =)

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